7/16/2024 - i want your heart, i want your brain.

 hey.

idk if i should put a trigger warning for this or not so ig you can consider this your trigger warning.

im not sure if ive ever said it on here but i was almost three years clean of self harm. emphasis on the was. i attempted two days ago. im not even sure why honestly. i just felt like everyone i count on in my life had someone else to turn to. i felt like the second option for everyone. even my own sister. my own mother too. it was always me and her against the world. but lately its felt like me against the world. 

against everyone.

ive been feeling like a bad person. like i want to sit back and observe my life. i dont want to live it. hence the attempt. i feel bad about it now. i mean i fucked up my almost three year sober streak so yeah im pretty pissed about it. but also i feel bad that i almost left my little sister. i love her more than anything in the entire multiverse and i would both kill and die for her.

but still, it doesnt stop me from feeling like a failure. i mean shit, i failed at killing myself. 

i don't know. 

i guess im okay now? 

- a