10/18/2022 - dreams

 I usually have a lot of weird dreams but lately they've been pretty vivid.

Little side note: I have this disorder called Prosopagnosia also known as face blindness which for me looks like:

- unless I really know you I can't recognize your face

- I can't see facial features in my head

- It's hard for me to notice new things about someone

So that means when I have dreams, the people in my dreams don't have faces. They are just blank. But I've been having dreams about my sperm donor (my POS bio dad) and his wife. Because I sent them a letter on my 18th birthday about them never contacting me again. I've had two dreams about them since then. 

1:

I was at their house and they got the letter while I was there. I begged them not to read it in front of me. They did anyway. They made fun of me while they read it out loud and then told me I could leave.

2:

I had this one last night. This time they agreed not to read the letter until I left and I did. I left and then I was back and it was my mother getting the letter instead. I felt awful and started crying because I wanted to stay with her. E.S.M* wanted me to stay and kept guilt tripping me. A lot happened that I can't remember. 

I'm very emotionally drained after that and I just want to cry. I feel bad that I sent the letter even though it's better for my health in all aspects. I just wish life was simple sometimes.

*Evil Step Mother