10/25/2022 - i'm tired (TW: talk of abuse, sh, sa)

 sometimes i try and think about what my life wouldve been like if my mom never told him that she was pregnant. if i had never met a. if i had never had any of the trauma that ive had to live through.

who would i be?

i went through so much for so long for.... what reason? what cosmic entity decided that little me needed to be traumatized. it's ruined my life but its also made it so i am grown up enough before i even turned eighteen. i dont know if thats a good thing or not. everyone wants to be grown up right? like thats the question kids get asked the most "what do you want to be when you grow up"

when i was younger i didn't know who i wanted to be much less what career path. at the age of 14 i didn't think i would make it to 16.

two weeks ago i turned 18. and my life is going pretty good.

i am with an amazing individual that I would die for. im almost done with high school. ive gotten into seven colleges. ive gotten scholarships to at least 3. i cut off my toxic parents. i have good friends. im healthy. 

but there's still what already happened. just because i no longer live with my abusive parents doesn't mean that everytime i see a license plate from their state my heart doesn't skip a beat. just because i told them not to contact me anymore doesn't mean that everytime i hear or see or smell something that reminds me of them all i want to do is crawl into a ball and cry until i can't think anymore.

they have traumatized me. in everyway they could. the only thing they didn't do was physically hurt me, but that's okay i did that enough for all of them. 

everytime i get a text from a random number i get scared. everytime i get the mail and something is addressed to me i get scared. everytime i go into their home state i panic. i can't get away from them. i thought never going back would relieve me of the constant anxiety i feel.

it didn't. if anything it got worse. they know where i live. they know what my phone number is. they know what school i go to. im so scared that i'll see them one day.

i have nightmares about them. i'm terrified. and i cant just leave im only 18 and still in high school.

but im not going to stay for college im going somewhere they have no clue. ive privated all my social media. im staying out of the public eye best i can. 

-a