2/17/2023 - feeling the hurt.

 (TW: Self-harm, suicidal thoughts, abuse)

Okay, so since middle school, I've been hurting myself. At this current moment in time, I am one year and almost four months clean. I also have severe abonnement and trust issues. I could list all the people I have cared about that have left me, including my family. 

At some point, you start to wonder if, and not to quote Taylor Swift, you're the problem. And sometimes you are. But I wasn't. Because for most of these, I was just a kid.

But sometimes, even with the people that have hurt you the most, you have days where you miss them so much it physically hurts. Some people made you laugh so hard you couldn't breathe but then cry so hard you threw up. 

On the occasions that I miss someone I shouldn't, I don't shy away from it. I let myself feel it. I do the same with physical pain. I really feel it. If I don't, it gets bottled away and then it'll hurt that much more when I do end up feeling it. 

I miss people that want nothing to do with me. I miss people that have hurt me so bad there are some things I can never do again because of them. There are some people that have given me permanent mental scars. But because of them I have grown and for that I am grateful. I miss them because of what they used to be to me. 

That's all for now.